George Snuffleupagus: Recap of the XboxOne Reveal
- “Now, this home screen looks familiar, but I’d like to point out one groundbreaking difference. IT’S BLACK!”
- The system is technologically impressive. I’ll give it that. But that doesn’t make good games.
- As a sports game junkie, I found the EA sports stuff, particularly Madden and NBA Live, super cool and beautiful. But fantastic sports games don’t make me want to buy a system. They’re a bonus.
- Speaking of sports, the NFL partnership is a pretty big deal, regardless of what my fellow gamers may think. It’s still not a system seller for me, but it’s super cool, or at least it could be.
- Halo: The Television Series, because fuck you.
- “What makes our new Call of Duty new and exciting? We have a dog! We mo-capped it and everything! Call of Dog: Modern Dog Ops III, coming to XboxOne this year!”
- “We brought in an Oscar-winning screenwriter for Call of Dog: Modern Dog Ops III because video games need to be an even bigger leech of cinema and even less its own storytelling medium!”
- “Also our graphical capabilities are super insane on this one! You won’t believe how brown and grey the browns and greys are as you use grey guns in brown uniforms as you traverse brown environments with grey buildings to shoot brown people. Also you can even see the little brown hairs on your player characters arm! INNOVATION AND REVOLUTION!”
- Not backwards compatible and you have to pay a fee to play used games. THIS IS TOTALLY A SYSTEM FOR THE GAMER THOUGH WE SWEAR.
I think just about the only thing that could get me excited for XboxOne as a gaming system is if at E3 they make the 1/1,000,000 chance announcement that Banjo Threeie is a thing that will happen. Or they announce some new massive, colorful, immersive, heartfelt, funny, cartoony action platformer.
But they won’t.
